everything adapts to trends and it seems crossovers will occur more

what to do

I guess working friday nights has always been ideal

it’s a tough place to be, i don’t feel like i am really friends with anyone at this point, but i also don’t know why i am so skeptical

I have never really been a good friend. I never show up for some reason.

Then I tell myself I don’t want to be friends with them anyways and then in the end I think I will really be alone.

It feels too complicated. And it is too good to be able to choose what you really want to do.

I already saw friends today while working, I don’t think I need to be friends with people in finance. Perhaps I don’t need to be so adaptable,

Nevermind.

It’s really ok to have preferences, you don’t need to be afraid.

A mirror to see the back of my head

The reflections in the water were so blinding I turned over and floated with my eyes closed facing the sun.

It held my face in its hands - warmth you know you will miss in the winter.

There is not much to hear underwater, and not much to say this deep in the middle of nowhere.

The vibrations slowly lower and become a deep hum for sleep.

I float along

The current’s gentleness I think I will always miss.

I wish the sun had hands to hold onto, its warmth just something you will have to remember

In this lifetime there's been a lot of love I've had to let go of

As if in my past life I tried to control too much

Perhaps that's why i was ocd as a child 

And now I have wildly grown out of that

Maybe that's how the cycle works 

I have been taught how to let go 

And every chance in this life is a second one

And now Ive had the thought of what will I lose next? And if it is time to try to prevent 

Perhaps it is time to grow again 

But I need to lose everything first 

I really understood the weight of your bones

and the warmth under your skin

momentarily

I was talking about nabi but was reminded of you

a softness that only grows from your skin

feeling and understanding

You have to really like your life and yourself in order to have good healthy friendships

And it doesn't mean your life has to be perfect

Something is always going to be wrong 

It is more productive working through things with positivity vs criticism 

It takes time repetition frequency and stability to work with clay

You can’t just manipulate it to do what you want 

You have to work with its current condition which you have to feel and sense and it will always have its ways of doing things and if you do not understand it, it will collapse

Hopefully i will create a beautiful life

I have just lost my understanding of it and have been letting other things and people take over

This will take the joy out of it

But if you really understand something it will be easy

And then perhaps you can find joy in teaching 

And then maybe you can keep exploring and learning without fear

This curiosity takes breaking down your understanding because you need humility in order to learn

It is just important to not let this break you down

You can’t let humility be your whole personality

When you were young, didn’t you always want to sing about heartbreak? Curious about what it feels like to be so crushed. What else did you dream about, what is next? Perhaps this is what life is about, don’t be crushed

Growing up, I have never thought to ask for anything from a man.

I should have asked my dad to get a job like my mom wanted me to

bing bong

It’s hard to block the image and feeling of your eyes surging into mine

an entire world behind them

that I was afraid to enter at times

but I think in most moments

I could see through you

past that world you were so grounded in

But I don’t know if you knew where I was

and maybe I should have tried to tell you

but I’m not sure if you wanted to find me

because with other people that is where we meet

I wonder if you knew who you were

I wonder if you accepted it

I didn’t think to ask these questions and I’m unsure why they didn’t come up

I still can’t tell if we were too similar or too different

but I wanted to create something physical together so you could have something

self expression is built over a lot of time

and you make a lot of bad things, but you have to keep trying

I listened to a new couple sitting on the couch across from me

they seemed so relaxed, but it felt like they were on a movie set

maybe I don’t know my role well enough yet

in this world where we are all supposed to have one

but I think I will continue to refuse

we are in new york after all

though no boy has noticed the bit of green in my eyes before

I think I should have shared my world more too

winter is hard

and now I worry who else you may meet in the spring

I feel quite wilted

you did make life somehow beautiful

like it was going to end too fast

and it did

im not too sure where i am anymore

it makes me mad to know

I think I am a little too good at suppressing emotion

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me

I’d like to never be found it feels like

playing hide and seek

I took too seriously

I can’t even cry

It just feels funny wearing other people’s shoes

I will try to not feel unwanted because I suppose that’s not what it’s about, but I do feel like I’ve failed, that’s really all.

Not having perfection is just an excuse to stop or not even begin

Once I.realized this I almost looked to fail all the time

Still, what is wrong with me? We’re finding out

I don’t want it to become dark outside, I’ll lose all sense of place

Very very soon this won’t even mean anything

The way shapes lose meaning in the dark

Where have I heard this before? I don’t know

There is too much to do to think too deeply

and too much to pull from this world it is hard to focus

but it is easy to filter it all, just convince yourself

I watched nabi watch the sun rise, it is good to see her fully grown

I wonder if you also watched the sun rise

I am afraid of being nothing

I just learned it’s spelled this way https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIW8DNOnJp0

there are certain sleeps that when you wake up the snow is suddenly gone

but that is just what time does

it melts the snow as winter ends

I am already beginning to forget you

lying to myself

where this morning felt like it could be years ago

the wind on the back of my shoulders a long term memory

I came down to mourning doves

which felt out of place because it’s a familiar sound, just not here

I was slightly comforted

but I walked on faster than they could wake up so it was silent the rest of the way

there was nothing by me

I don’t think I will ever walk that way again

it’s strange how all new thoughts appear when you are not supposed to love someone anymore

2.22am

to only know west and east based off this 2 mile wide island

I guess there is always music to listen to even if you are homeless here

and you will never be without a companion

I don’t fake scenarios in my head anymore as to why I am standing here

It’s just my allotted time

to watch steam walk over

I wonder what it’s like for my parents to have to return home to see me

Was it ever comfortable here?

only what has ever been wrong

wrong with me

i was always right, that i didnt deserve him

i somehow knew i would never be enough

and i think this is how you grew up too

but theres no use for empathy now

munji is kneading my chest and nabi is looking at me like she is going to cry

munji rarely does this but she knew this time it was worse

the way you nod your head and lean back when you walk

we were both weak for walking away

i had kept bumping into you and im sorry

it might take 6 months for some kind of shift in the wind and thats terrifying

there was so much life within me, as if all that i had to live for was building up kinetic energy inside a crucible of refractory porcelain

so thin, delicate, and warm

i thought i already experienced all of the hurt one could have but how naive of me where it is far from self inflicted but well deserved

similar to seeing a loved one die, but this time i pleaded for a second chance

and now maybe you are stuck in the gray area between life and death and all i can hope to do is keep you alive

https://www.google.com/search?q=Cartesian+Skepticism

Maybe there is a chance for the paradox of nothing

where hopefully nothing will still always have a meaning

and hopefully the only value something has is not the meaning you give it

however now i can certainly understand the false truth of hope and settled apathy

and how i may have blown proper detachment out of proportion based on the shape of my heart

I forget the relativity of what I’ve been told

by people who still struggle to read

who I am relative to how you think

where I may be at the intersection of x and y

mr mathematician descarte…

I mean non attachment in the way you are still able to fully care yet not care that people know

did buddha know math ?

https://www.google.com/search?q=non+attachment+buddhism

reasons I had stayed

Afraid at what point i might lose my nostalgia due to the way i frame it to motivate me 

When it should be the future

The sun rise over palms

The clouds still shadows

As tall as the sky itself

After being underwater for an unnatural amount of time 

I've lost a certain awareness about myself etc

Getting out of the ocean used to be luck

But i now know to read the timing of the waves

To learn without running away

should I worry if you don’t feel clarity

is it up to me

I need to grow up

i don’t mind risking my life over a drop down a cliff

what is it that i fear exactly

i suppose death ends with solitude

which i may have always been more comfortable with

but if you were to set on the opposite side of the horizon

it’s not that i would prefer my solitude

i would understand you may be needed elsewhere

nautical dusk

I am wondering what is coming next

it is a different feeling

not limerence but a merge

an expansion that is completed

it is warm like limestone

civil dusk is brighter

I am not in need of the horizon and stars for navigation