2.22am
to only know west and east based off this 2 mile wide island
I guess there is always music to listen to even if you are homeless here
and you will never be without a companion
I don’t fake scenarios in my head anymore as to why I am standing here
It’s just my allotted time
to watch steam walk over
I wonder what it’s like for my parents to have to return home to see me
Was it ever comfortable here?
only what has ever been wrong
wrong with me
i was always right, that i didnt deserve him
i somehow knew i would never be enough
and i think this is how you grew up too
but theres no use for empathy now
munji is kneading my chest and nabi is looking at me like she is going to cry
munji rarely does this but she knew this time it was worse
the way you nod your head and lean back when you walk
we were both weak for walking away
i had kept bumping into you and im sorry
it might take 6 months for some kind of shift in the wind and thats terrifying
there was so much life within me, as if all that i had to live for was building up kinetic energy inside a crucible of refractory porcelain
so thin, delicate, and warm
i thought i already experienced all of the hurt one could have but how naive of me where it is far from self inflicted but well deserved
similar to seeing a loved one die, but this time i pleaded for a second chance
and now maybe you are stuck in the gray area between life and death and all i can hope to do is keep you alive
https://www.google.com/search?q=Cartesian+Skepticism
Maybe there is a chance for the paradox of nothing
where hopefully nothing will still always have a meaning
and hopefully the only value something has is not the meaning you give it
however now i can certainly understand the false truth of hope and settled apathy
and how i may have blown proper detachment out of proportion based on the shape of my heart
I forget the relativity of what I’ve been told
by people who still struggle to read
who I am relative to how you think
where I may be at the intersection of x and y
mr mathematician descarte…
I mean non attachment in the way you are still able to fully care yet not care that people know
did buddha know math ?
https://www.google.com/search?q=non+attachment+buddhism
reasons I had stayed
Afraid at what point i might lose my nostalgia due to the way i frame it to motivate me
When it should be the future
The sun rise over palms
The clouds still shadows
As tall as the sky itself
After being underwater for an unnatural amount of time
I've lost a certain awareness about myself etc
Getting out of the ocean used to be luck
But i now know to read the timing of the waves
To learn without running away
should I worry if you don’t feel clarity
is it up to me
I need to grow up
i don’t mind risking my life over a drop down a cliff
what is it that i fear exactly
i suppose death ends with solitude
which i may have always been more comfortable with
but if you were to set on the opposite side of the horizon
it’s not that i would prefer my solitude
i would understand you may be needed elsewhere
nautical dusk
I am wondering what is coming next
it is a different feeling
not limerence but a merge
an expansion that is completed
it is warm like limestone
civil dusk is brighter
I am not in need of the horizon and stars for navigation
do you mind if im not a person for half of the year
watching shapes of the sun slot down and clouds walk into the room
i am quite soft these days for paws to sink into
and there are stems left on the floor because i had to trim them
the clouds are rescheduling their appointments because they are sometimes tired and reticent
i know i’ll see them next time
steel pivoting blades
green patina nicotine
the leaves inhale rust
I've spent years trying not to feel things
but now i even know how it feels to be born
I can very clearly see your face through the passing of time
It would have to be time stopping when i’ll allow it to blur
I thought sadness was permanent and fixed like the future but maybe not
I’m falling asleep again
misery softened you
seeking to become solid
perhaps
it’s much easier to melt into
empty spaces
and i suppose it’s only natural to freeze sometimes
to emulsify or even coagulate
to change conditions every day
as long as the night is cool and still until morning
to catch the dew from yesterday
but strong winds could turn the plain grey and dry
and it would be heavy all the time
a sailor without rank or fortune
what will it be like once I have something to lose
have I been avoiding it
this red light keeps following me
or is it just a color that catches your eye
power pulled from the walls
I want to find my dream tonight
and then follow it until the world falls around me
and all that there’s left might be you
being hurt is much bolder and braver
to receive wounds
and intake suffering
rather than a deflection of rage
and kindness is a noble sacrifice
and to tend to your wounds is survival
how if you may ignore them you will die
why do wielded knives tall heights fangs claws tears and poison feel much more comfortable to be surrounded in im sure its a simple answer except that it shouldnt be
learning something difficult is never easy - is what my mom keeps telling me
I still have yet to accept this fully
Will I be satisfied when I die if I don’t?
I can no longer hold your hand and feel your warmth between my fingers
I am just talking about a cigarette
stupid
but there is something i am missing from you
and i think it is my fault i am not receiving it
sand blooms
swallowed sky
suddenly ii’s so fucking cold
who is going to rest their head on me when nabi is gone
when she comes over to keep me warm when i cry
what a terrible curse it is to let something become a part of you
home-free !
old friend Orion
paints my lungs a little black
the brightness of a star right beside me
we don’t ask them to provide warmth
because i am a sailor !